And that is just so distressing.  I give so much of myself to people, and they just use it to their own advantage.  Even worse is when they sugar coat it with things like, “I’m only trying to help you”.  If you are only trying to help me, why don’t you listen to anything I say?  I’ve already told you how I feel, what I want, and where I plan to go with my life.  I didn’t ask for help, and whether I need it or not, is not up to you.  I may have trouble asking for help when I need it, but as part of my personal growth I have been working on that very problem.  I suppose I can’t be trusted either, because I found out about your deception by reading something not meant for me.  

I feel like Rachel in the episode of friends (the one with the list) where Ross makes the pros and cons list with reasons he shouldn’t date Rachel.  He says he knows how she must be feeling, and she says, “No, you don’t, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.”

Now my issue is not with someone I love, but it was someone I trusted.  Somebody I thought would be a good leader.  She built me up, encouraged me, and then told somebody else that I wasn’t good enough.  There is a lot more to it than that, but it sums up what I took from the situation.  I have terrible self-esteem.  If you ask me what I think I’m worth, the answer is nothing.  I guess in the end, that’s what she thought too.

I feel like I was a stepping block to her own success.  It leaves me unsure of what I should do.  I don’t want to give up, so I’m not.  But what do I do with this situation?  I can’t trust her again so I’m faced with some complicated decisions.  

Live and Learn.  I will not be that kind of person.  And unfortunately, I have to go back to distrusting people.  I don’t want to, but I feel emotionally violated.